I havent written in a while. I mean I havent wanted to write in a while. Which, in itself is strange. I love writing. And it isn’t like I don’t have anything to write about…
I went home for the holidays. I hadn’t been home for 6 months. The longest I have ever been away. I went to college an hour away from my parents. The comfort of being home and having family so close was always there. So going was a weird mix of emotions. Honestly, it felt like a time warp. Nothing had changed but everything was different. I know that makes no sense to read and I wish I could articulate it better. I just can’t. It was like everything was familiar but I saw it differently.
When I was leaving, everyone said nothing will change. They were right. I think the thing that changed was me. Dont get me wrong, going home was absolutely incredible. I got to see everyone I loved and being around family was amazing. Coming back to France was actually hard. I don’t why though. Because I don’t feel like I belong back home right now. I think the thing that made it hard is that I don’t feel like I belong here either.
Being 20-something is a weird place. It is this time to explore and figure out what you want to do. All along making mistakes and having new experiences. Being here has been an absolutely incredible experience. I have grown substantially over the past several months. I would never trade this for the world and I am excited to see what else it brings. However, it has made me more confused than I have ever been. I have always known what I wanted to do. I went into college with a declared major and never looked back. I love it and I am good at it. I know eventually that is what I will do. But right now. I have no clue. Everyone keeps saying that’s fine but it still bugs me not to know.
I think the problem is there are too many options. Now that I have taken this jump to move abroad I seriously feel like I can do anything. I want to do everything. I want to see the world. That I know. What I don’t know is the immediate next step.
I am always in control of my life. I think that’s what is bogging me down lately. I have now entered that weird post-grad time that I never thought I would find myself lurking around in. Strange, but I’ll take it. Another experience, right?