I have just recently realized I am in a long-term relationship. I understand this is quite a strange thing to realize and to not just know, but it wasnt until my very long conversation with my mom (i am sure y’all are now starting to catch on we talk quite often…) that I was able to articulate my feelings.
France. I have been here just about 9 months. It really has been the best time of my life. However, there are days I just want to quit. It honestly has been a roller-coaster of emotions… excitement, curiosity, disappointment, stress, satisfaction, happiness… the list goes on. The other day I watched a movie I had watched right before I came here, Julie & Julia. I remember the feeling I had watching Meryl Streep walk through Paris–it was a giddy, sort of butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling. I couldn’t believe I was moving there and although terrified, my excitement overwhelmed me. Recently when I watched it, it was a whole new feeling. Now, instead of adoration and curiosity of unknown territory, I merely was filled with happiness–happiness that I could point out what street or place Meryl Streep was on/in and that I too had fond memories of that exact place. I am in love.
Life has been hectic, chaotic, and stressful lately. Many people find it very hard to understand why someone would put themselves through all this in order to stay longer for more torture. There are two things I know I am, loyal and stubborn. For one, once I am in a relationship, I find it quite hard to break away from it no matter how crappy the other person (well place in this case) is. And secondly, my mind is made up. I am staying in France.
There is another revelation I had in this conversation with my mom. A part of me never felt right at home. Dont get me wrong– I love the states and San Diego will forever be the greatest place on this planet in my eyes. But what I am saying is, there was always something a little weird about what I wanted or how I thought. It makes sense here. I mean there is a huge part of me that feels completely out of whack here too, but that little part I could never figure out just fits. The people I meet here and the way they see things seem to be more parallel to my thinking.
So here I am in my long-term relationship that I can’t seem to, and dont want to, break up with. It is right for right now. I have no idea how long we will last, but I am happy knowing I am in it right now for the long haul. I will take the tears along with the laughs and try my hardest to make this work.
I love you, France.